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I thought that I needed my heart. Turns out my heart needed me.

Bad Seeds

I was always the girl confused about love. I didn’t understand having true feelings for a guy or anyone or anything for that matter. At that time I little understood that this had much to do with my inabilities in life. Those seeds of discomfort would grow as I did to create a sad and lost young woman, who desperately yearned for love while rejecting it all at once.  

Since I was very young I hadn’t cared much for boys really, but thinking back I was a highly sexual child. I don’t know why. But I remember having little “boyfriends”. People talk of their first kiss being 13 or 14. Mine was probably at 6 years old if not earlier. Were all children like this? I have no idea. But I do remember walking in on my sister making out with a little boy when she was 3. I have no idea if this is normal.  But kids experiment I guess.

I remember one instance where I had instructed my little boy neighbor to watch me as I shed my clothes off through my bedroom window. My grandma had busted me, and somehow knew that it was done under my instruction. I was highly embarrassed but also confused about how she knew it was my doing.

But what really makes me wonder is how on earth I could have been that child. It seems so untrue when compared to the person I am now. How could I share my sexual self so easily at that time while now it is near impossible? Have my fears changed since then?

There was something in me that trusted that little boy. It was easier to love then, I guess. He was my best friend when I was a child. We loved each other and did everything together. It’s funny to think that I have no idea where in the world that little boy is now. My best friend and confidant at 5 or 6 is out there in the world somewhere. Over these fifteen years he’s grown up just like me. He’s had many of his own experiences. He has grown in mind and body. He has a path he walks every day. Hes all grown up now. I wonder if he ever thinks about our experiences like I have, or if it has meant anything to him at all.

Now 15 years later, I am isolated and alone. I have no idea what makes up friendship or love in this world. I have no idea how to have a bond with anything or anyone.

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Molly Ringwald’s helpful insights.

Molly Ringwald’s helpful insights.

Now, I find this pretty genius. But her writing style is very slow; She needs some work. But she is trying. And getting there. She has some pretty great points and although I never respected her much for doing teenage mainstream films, I see her passion and drive. Also, her methods for working into the personality of her character earned her much admiration from me. It has opened my eyes to movies and how I view the character. It makes me notice things I subconsciously don’t see while watching a movie or reading. What really builds the story and makes it whole. And as she states, it truly does make the film or actor appear effortless. It is the flow of the right shots, or sentences that make the movie or book flow with ease in the readers minds. It is the art of it. How to truly connect with people without making them feel strain.

 

This Is The Beginning.

Today, I made the decision to make a blog. This has been such a big and crucial time in my life. So many feelings, so many changes. I mean, seriously, they mention how puberty happens when your in high school but no one mentions the crazy shit that happens to you when your 20. Everything is changing. I remember the moment I just felt different… It was so strange. I was standing there, outside, and all of a sudden I realized that I just felt different. It was the weirdest thing. It was the last thing I had expected to happen to me. It was refreshing completely. Being able to feel something other than teenage angst for the first time in the last 10 years. But at the same time it came with all these other crazy feelings. Feelings you feel you don’t quite fit into yet. Your about to be an adult, but still feel like a child. But then you also feel like an adult. It just doesn’t make much sense and I couldn’t exactly decipher where it was coming from just yet. The only thing I knew was I feeling it. I knew I was changing into something more.

It was like a friend of mine had once said:

“One day you wake up and your like, “I’m awesome! And I want to do something with my awesome self. But then all of a sudden your saying, “I just cant figure this out. How do I figure this out?”

He was exactly right. One day I would wake up with all the confidence in the world. I wanted more for myself, to do more with myself, and I just had this urge to go, go, go. Live my life, get it started. Be something great. I was seriously up the roof in confidence. And confidence was something I had never felt for as long as I could remember. But there were other days when it seemed like everything was so difficult to decipher. Even fairly easy emotional situations seemed harder. I just didn’t have much common sense to figure them out. It was very aggravating and left me feeling hopeless. I felt bi-polar. One day was a complete high of feeling equipped to deal with life and other days it felt like I couldn’t think worth shit.

But through all the change I was feeling pretty inspired and amazing. I began to take complete control of myself and my life. I knew it was the beginning of something new, and it was time to be an adult. I felt prepared for that, but also scared of course. I just knew that i wanted to do more with myself and confidence was key. But the change i have felt since that day has been of more importance to my soul than I could have even realized. It has forced me to look at myself from the inside out: Pulling out demons, confronting them, and crushing them. I’m beginning to open my eyes to who I am, and feel past my own silly emotions that I had felt so hopelessly trapped in. Its made me realize how truly messed up I am and the feelings I hid from even myself. 

I want this journey to be shared with the world, I want to be who I am without shame. Even if no one ever reads it, I will know that I am out there in the world. I’ve been open and honest with myself and others. I have been an embarrassment to myself more times than the average person should, but those embarrassments make me who I am or have been.

I have let shame and embarrassment rule my life. I have let it control me and isolate me emotionally. So it’s time to show the world what has shaped me and what my life path has been. Because those things do define me, or at least a portion. Those things shouldn’t be shameful. I want to have pride in them.

I want to be open.