I was always the girl confused about love. I didn’t understand having true feelings for a guy or anyone or anything for that matter. At that time I little understood that this had much to do with my inabilities in life. Those seeds of discomfort would grow as I did to create a sad and lost young woman, who desperately yearned for love while rejecting it all at once.
Since I was very young I hadn’t cared much for boys really, but thinking back I was a highly sexual child. I don’t know why. But I remember having little “boyfriends”. People talk of their first kiss being 13 or 14. Mine was probably at 6 years old if not earlier. Were all children like this? I have no idea. But I do remember walking in on my sister making out with a little boy when she was 3. I have no idea if this is normal. But kids experiment I guess.
I remember one instance where I had instructed my little boy neighbor to watch me as I shed my clothes off through my bedroom window. My grandma had busted me, and somehow knew that it was done under my instruction. I was highly embarrassed but also confused about how she knew it was my doing.
But what really makes me wonder is how on earth I could have been that child. It seems so untrue when compared to the person I am now. How could I share my sexual self so easily at that time while now it is near impossible? Have my fears changed since then?
There was something in me that trusted that little boy. It was easier to love then, I guess. He was my best friend when I was a child. We loved each other and did everything together. It’s funny to think that I have no idea where in the world that little boy is now. My best friend and confidant at 5 or 6 is out there in the world somewhere. Over these fifteen years he’s grown up just like me. He’s had many of his own experiences. He has grown in mind and body. He has a path he walks every day. Hes all grown up now. I wonder if he ever thinks about our experiences like I have, or if it has meant anything to him at all.
Now 15 years later, I am isolated and alone. I have no idea what makes up friendship or love in this world. I have no idea how to have a bond with anything or anyone.